Getting it Right

Over the last several years I have been very reluctant to air my business in this very public place.  However, I know that a lot of information has been shared – much of it untrue or “skewed”.   I knew that it would be useless to try to answer every post, speculation, opinion and rumor or to try to defend or prove myself.  I felt the most effective way to show things for what they are was to just LIVE and be happy.

Some things are true – I have struggled nearly to death with mental illness, alcoholism and substance abuse.  I fled a marriage which had been toxic for many years.  I hurt and terrified my children.   There was a point almost 4 years ago where I simply could not be there for them.  Those who thought they knew me were shocked and appalled by how far and fast I fell. 

But today…today I am a survivor.  I have survived and am thriving! Happy!  I’ve made many mistakes over the years – some as a result of the chaos in my own mind, some fueled by fear, and some simply under the influence.  I will admit that I am so envious of sweet couples who are happy in their marriages.  I think to myself “how lucky you are!”   They like and care about each other then fall in love and then decide to spend their lives together. 

I got it backwards.  Marriage was a means to an end.  Too late I tried to make those bad choices and poor decisions fit into what they were meant to be.  Shocker! This does not work!  I was more in love with the idea of marriage and what was in it for me to love and LIKE the person I made promises to.

But today…today I know what it is to love my best friend.  The person who knows absolutely everything there is to know about me and vice versa – my weaknesses, strengths, fears, dreams – and here’s the best part! He actually LIKES me ANYWAY!  EUREKA! 

Over the past 3 ½ years I have come light years from the frail, fragile, terrified shell of a woman I was.  I can stand on my own two feet.  I’ve come to love the woman I actually am.  I am GREAT at my job.  I am an AWESOME mama.  And I make a pretty dang good wife!  My choices and mistakes have cost me “friends” and “family”.  But I have stopped worrying about what other people think about me or my life.  At the end of the day I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am right this minute.  I am proud to have married David Cooper and am eager and excited to spend the rest of my life laughing with him.

May 25, 2013