earthquakes...

the obvious result of earthquakes is devastation; the leveling of society, tsunami, loss of human life, loss of property.  In short, complete devastation of modern life.  Wikipedia says this:

"Tectonic earthquakes occur anywhere in the earth where there is sufficient stored elastic strain energy to drive fracture propagation along a fault plane."

Fracture...a good word.  Most often earthquakes are the result of the slightest movement deep inside the earth.  There is resistance & then a giving-way of forces which have stored up potential energy. My physics teacher defined potential energy as "something which has not happened yet"

Again, a good definition.

My son will meet his biological father tomorrow.

 Just a few short months ago this would have devastated me. This, though, is the result of some movements deep in the earth of my life...unseen and unfelt by those around me  The ramifications, however, are far-reaching.  This is the thing i feared most for a very long time.  I built my "life" on fear...worked very hard to protect myself from it and what it could do to me. A fracture waiting to happen...

 I am not afraid now, though the fracture that this initial contact caused are still being felt.  2 1/2 years ago i was contacted by the man who is my son's biological father.  We were married for a very short time and my precious son, Cameron, is the result of that union.  I had lived in fear of this reunion for nearly 13 years.  I had stored up great depths of potential energy in fear of that moment.  Like my physics teacher said potential energy is something "that hasn't happened yet"...i knew that it would one day

But they will meet tomorrow and i will not be there. 

The realization of this fear, the the re-building that i've had to do since are extreme. But it happened with barely a whisper

We can never know the moment a fracture happens....but everyone knows the impact. 

The quake happened deep inside the core of my being. I was alone when it happened. A simple Facebook contact and life as i knew it was over.  I have had to explain many things to many people...some true, some not.  But the most important has been to my son.  He will need to know, one day, how this simple event has changed everything for me & ultimately for him.

I am not afraid of the truth, of being myself.   I will no longer live in fear, in hiding.

I've taken back my life - it's nearly killed me at most, lost me what i thought was a reputation, diginity at least.  I do not expect anyone to understand or care why or when or who or how.  When the earth moves you do what you need to to survive.

But my son will be okay tomorrow and so will I.  So will I.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011