Getting it Right

Over the last several years I have been very reluctant to air my business in this very public place.  However, I know that a lot of information has been shared – much of it untrue or “skewed”.   I knew that it would be useless to try to answer every post, speculation, opinion and rumor or to try to defend or prove myself.  I felt the most effective way to show things for what they are was to just LIVE and be happy.

Some things are true – I have struggled nearly to death with mental illness, alcoholism and substance abuse.  I fled a marriage which had been toxic for many years.  I hurt and terrified my children.   There was a point almost 4 years ago where I simply could not be there for them.  Those who thought they knew me were shocked and appalled by how far and fast I fell. 

But today…today I am a survivor.  I have survived and am thriving! Happy!  I’ve made many mistakes over the years – some as a result of the chaos in my own mind, some fueled by fear, and some simply under the influence.  I will admit that I am so envious of sweet couples who are happy in their marriages.  I think to myself “how lucky you are!”   They like and care about each other then fall in love and then decide to spend their lives together. 

I got it backwards.  Marriage was a means to an end.  Too late I tried to make those bad choices and poor decisions fit into what they were meant to be.  Shocker! This does not work!  I was more in love with the idea of marriage and what was in it for me to love and LIKE the person I made promises to.

But today…today I know what it is to love my best friend.  The person who knows absolutely everything there is to know about me and vice versa – my weaknesses, strengths, fears, dreams – and here’s the best part! He actually LIKES me ANYWAY!  EUREKA! 

Over the past 3 ½ years I have come light years from the frail, fragile, terrified shell of a woman I was.  I can stand on my own two feet.  I’ve come to love the woman I actually am.  I am GREAT at my job.  I am an AWESOME mama.  And I make a pretty dang good wife!  My choices and mistakes have cost me “friends” and “family”.  But I have stopped worrying about what other people think about me or my life.  At the end of the day I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am right this minute.  I am proud to have married David Cooper and am eager and excited to spend the rest of my life laughing with him.

May 25, 2013

earthquakes...

the obvious result of earthquakes is devastation; the leveling of society, tsunami, loss of human life, loss of property.  In short, complete devastation of modern life.  Wikipedia says this:

"Tectonic earthquakes occur anywhere in the earth where there is sufficient stored elastic strain energy to drive fracture propagation along a fault plane."

Fracture...a good word.  Most often earthquakes are the result of the slightest movement deep inside the earth.  There is resistance & then a giving-way of forces which have stored up potential energy. My physics teacher defined potential energy as "something which has not happened yet"

Again, a good definition.

My son will meet his biological father tomorrow.

 Just a few short months ago this would have devastated me. This, though, is the result of some movements deep in the earth of my life...unseen and unfelt by those around me  The ramifications, however, are far-reaching.  This is the thing i feared most for a very long time.  I built my "life" on fear...worked very hard to protect myself from it and what it could do to me. A fracture waiting to happen...

 I am not afraid now, though the fracture that this initial contact caused are still being felt.  2 1/2 years ago i was contacted by the man who is my son's biological father.  We were married for a very short time and my precious son, Cameron, is the result of that union.  I had lived in fear of this reunion for nearly 13 years.  I had stored up great depths of potential energy in fear of that moment.  Like my physics teacher said potential energy is something "that hasn't happened yet"...i knew that it would one day

But they will meet tomorrow and i will not be there. 

The realization of this fear, the the re-building that i've had to do since are extreme. But it happened with barely a whisper

We can never know the moment a fracture happens....but everyone knows the impact. 

The quake happened deep inside the core of my being. I was alone when it happened. A simple Facebook contact and life as i knew it was over.  I have had to explain many things to many people...some true, some not.  But the most important has been to my son.  He will need to know, one day, how this simple event has changed everything for me & ultimately for him.

I am not afraid of the truth, of being myself.   I will no longer live in fear, in hiding.

I've taken back my life - it's nearly killed me at most, lost me what i thought was a reputation, diginity at least.  I do not expect anyone to understand or care why or when or who or how.  When the earth moves you do what you need to to survive.

But my son will be okay tomorrow and so will I.  So will I.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

the violence of vomiting

i'm rung out. it can only be described as violent. the human body doing everything it can to rid itself of a toxin...a poison. mental, physical, spiritual. it clenches itself and will use every resource to see that every possible source of danger is gone.

how so is our soul? how so is our heart? how so is our mind? how violently do we vomit what is toxic to our innermost selves? we will destroy what is most precious to us with our words, with our faces, with our eyes, with our actions... it is all violent because we want to rid ourselves of what we believe to be toxic to us. we convulse and cramp and humiliate ourselves. everything inside us comes out. it doesn't matter what it is or where it came from or who it's for or what it will look like. it comes out all over whoever or whatever is standing there. to digest it would be to take it into ourselves and make it part of us...we would die then. we've died enough already. do not get in the way. do not ask us to make you a part of this. we can only go so far. we know our limits.

all over the porcelain god we expel the poison because we cannot digest it...to stomach what we have taken in....what we have allowed ourselves to taste and enjoy if even for just a moment. it felt good. but now we are paying the price. the price we pay for getting rid of it is high. to rid our bodies and souls and spirits of the things we've taken into ourselves is violent...it is vomiting.

Sunday, September 27, 2009