this is my penance

so this, then, is my penance...to come to the end of this delusion and find that i am totally defenseless; humiliated before you. i have no weapon, no shield, no means of escape. i am at your mercy. you can turn, now, onto me the very arsenal i wielded on you and you will be justified in it. i offer up myself knowing full well that you should turn and walk away. i cannot even cry out. if you should unleash your fury on me i will hang my head and sink to my knees and allow it to wash over me and i will be silent. i will accept this punishment and receive it; for from that anger would come also redemption and that is the thing that would heal me. but the thing that i fear is that you will say nothing and merely walk away and that will be the worst punishment of all. because for you to keep locked away the force of your anger towards me...

if you should withold that from me it will be my penance.

i must endure this torment now and say nothing. i must bear knowing that you cannot release me. i must accept that your peace is the price i have to pay for what i've done. i must live with the understanding that those doors must remain closed; my peace is what now has to be sacrificed. i had my chance. i have my answers but my answer has not brought peace.

this is my penance.