Smoke & Mirrors

So i'm learning the hard way that people do not like it when you begin to find your "true" self; it scares them. I've come to this realization through a very abrupt collision with the reality that, in many ways, i've been in an emotional coma for 14 years and the very ground i thought i was standing on was in fact quicksand; it had no substance, no solidity, no security, unsound. My very identity has been called into question and i am unsure of the world itself and my place in it.

But I am the one who was fearless, audacious; nothing was too scary for me. Confidence was my middle name. Center-stage was made for me. Microphone? Hand it here. Every side was my best side, nobody could tell me "you can't" or "you shouldn't". Those words were just fuel for my engine...nothing could stop me.

But this...this is almost more than i can bear. I am afraid of my own shadow. This is weakness. And what i see on the faces and hear in the voices (and worst of all the silences) is pity. As my pain and frustration and rage have come pouring out they have been replaced by this need to rebuild my sense of self. The confidence that i once had looks to me now like a paper-mache sculpture, an illusion, all smoke and mirrors. I am hollowed out.

I am desperate to find what is real and true about myself and to do that i am venturing out of this cage i've awakened to find i put myself in. I peek out and am terrified but i take a step or two. I begin to say how i feel and the things that i wish i could do, might do if i had the chance and someone nearby says "Oh! Be careful! Don't be irrational! Don't do something you'll regret! You know how you are right now."

Don't treat me like a child! Don't talk about me as if i'm going through a phase and hopefully i'll come to my senses soon and then we can all go back to our "normal" lives! What if i really do want to get a tatoo? What if i did get my nose pierced? What if i did cut all my hair off and dye it blonde, or red, or whatever?! Irrational? Maybe. But who said i can't want things that are irrational? There are a thousand things i would do right this minute if i could but i can't (or won't) because it's "unacceptable" or "unseamly" or "sinful" or "hurtful". It doesn't change the fact that i still want them.

But people can't handle this. They get scared when you start talking about going "outside the lines", especially when you have a history of being "unbalanced". It might mean that you won't behave properly anymore, that you might embarrass them or switch roles on them. Emotions are ugly and messy and being your true self means dropping the mask and saying what's true for you.

There are some things that are true for me that i want to say, that i will say, and that i can never say. If it looks like a phase, so be it. But what you see is what you get. I'm scared to death but i'm going to find out what fits for me and how i really feel. I'm going to remember what it is that i love, do that, and learn to be brave again. No smoke, no mirrors, no hiding.