Asperger’s and M&M’s

So last Thursday on Grey's Anatomy, the new cardiothoracic surgeon and Dr. Bailey have an exchange on the elevator that goes like this:

Dr. Bailey "Excellent job today, Dr. Dickson, excellent...rule-following."

Dr. Dickson "I only have one real area of interest; the human heart. I love it. I like it's regularity; I know everything there is to know about it. I like it's predictability; it has rules. Every chamber has a function, every function has a movement. i like the color; it's comforting.Are you familiar with Asperger's Syndrome, Dr. Bailey?"

Dr. Bailey "Of course, 'significant impairment during social situations'."

and for one whole week now i've been chewing on that and today, as i'm laying in the tanning bed for my 10 minutes of UV therapy to combat yet another of the myriad of disorders with which i am afflicted (SAD or seasonal affective disorder), i have an epiphany for the title of my first blog EVER!

Yes, folks, welcome to the scary world of "crazy" inside this noggin of mine. Mostly i've just gotten tired of carrying it around with me and figured i'd spread the wealth a little bit - but also because i'm realizing that if i don't get at least some of it out, i'll scream. No, seriously. But as i'm listening to Mary McConnell talk about why she loves the human heart (after I've gotten over how much she's aged since Dances with Wolves) I'm thinking to myself, "That's me! I can totally relate to the order and symmetry of that. I used to line up all my M&M's by color before I ate them and get very upset if there was an uneven number/color in a bag. I mean REALLY upset." It doesn't bother me QUITE so much now, but it's taken a LOT of therapy. I'm completely serious. Think lined-up cans in Sleeping with the Enemy and you'll be pretty close to how it can be with me. I've mellowed a lot but I'll just be honest; procedure, straight lines and black and white makes me VERY happy and secure.

So, like i said i've been chewing on this for about a week now until today when i'm fake-baking the "blues" out of myself and i receive my revelation about blogging and come straight home and start looking up asperger's online. Turns out, Dr. Bailey hit it pretty much on the head with 'significant impairment during social situations'. My first thought to that, however, was not "That's me!". But after a lot of thought, i'm rethinking that evaluation a little bit and considering taking up cardiothoracic surgery. ;)

No, but seriously, i've been looking at my life and my circle of friends and how they react to me and how i act around them and how i act in certain, scratch that, ALL situations and there's just something that i do or don't do that, around most people, just doesn't click. I know this because I'm seeing it in my son now so I know it's a genetic thing. I find I'm telling him a lot more lately to "lighten up!" But I can't even lighten up!

We (the 4 of us) went out to dinner for Veteran's Day on Monday nite and we were all in a great mood; laughing, cutting up. Then for no reason at all in the middle of the meal, i got stuck on a really serious subject that HAD to be discussed RIGHT THEN with Bucky! We weren't arguing or anything but I was like a dog worrying on a bone and i just couldn't seem to let it alone. Sometimes (and it seems the older i get the more times) my own INTENSITY drives me INSANE! It's like everything is a BIG DEAL! And i simply do not have the ability to see anything except in black and white, up or down, left or right. Things come across so critical and judgmental but it's just that i simply can't understand any other way. It's a hyperfocus, a hyper intensity and it pushes people away.

I see it in my son and it hurts me for him because he can't stand being alone...neither can I, but I learned to get used to it since i never could quite say or do the right things and keep friends long enough to be part of a crowd. Now the only place that I feel where they truly "get" me is with my youth. Somehow, my sarcasm and sharp tongue and intensity are not offensive to them and they aren't put off by me. Other than that, i think i embarrass or shock people and they're not quite sure what to do with me.

So i've found that, for the most part, i'm more content (at least less conflicted) if i stay away from situations that tend to cause me 'significant impairment' and line up my M&M's...problem is, they don't stay around very long in this house anyway!