Over the last several years I have been very reluctant to
air my business in this very public place.
However, I know that a lot of information has been shared – much of it
untrue or “skewed”. I knew that it
would be useless to try to answer every post, speculation, opinion and rumor or
to try to defend or prove myself. I felt
the most effective way to show things for what they are was to just LIVE and be
happy.
Some things are true – I have struggled nearly to death with
mental illness, alcoholism and substance abuse.
I fled a marriage which had been toxic for many years. I hurt and terrified my children. There was a point almost 4 years ago where I
simply could not be there for them.
Those who thought they knew me were shocked and appalled by how far and
fast I fell.
But today…today I am a survivor. I have survived and am thriving! Happy! I’ve made many mistakes over the years – some
as a result of the chaos in my own mind, some fueled by fear, and some simply
under the influence. I will admit that I
am so envious of sweet couples who are happy in their marriages. I think to myself “how lucky you are!” They like and care about each other then
fall in love and then decide to spend their lives together.
I got it backwards.
Marriage was a means to an end.
Too late I tried to make those bad choices and poor decisions fit into
what they were meant to be. Shocker!
This does not work! I was more in love
with the idea of marriage and what was in it for me to love and LIKE the person
I made promises to.
But today…today I know what it is to love my best
friend. The person who knows absolutely
everything there is to know about me and vice versa – my weaknesses, strengths,
fears, dreams – and here’s the best part! He actually LIKES me ANYWAY! EUREKA!
Over the past 3 ½ years I have come light years from the
frail, fragile, terrified shell of a woman I was. I can stand on my own two feet. I’ve come to love the woman I actually
am. I am GREAT at my job. I am an AWESOME mama. And I make a pretty dang good wife! My choices and mistakes have cost me
“friends” and “family”. But I have
stopped worrying about what other people think about me or my life. At the end of the day I can look at myself in
the mirror and be proud of who I am right this minute. I am proud to have married David Cooper and
am eager and excited to spend the rest of my life laughing with him.
May 25, 2013